Jan 2, 201406:59 AMBlaska's Bring It!
with David Blaska
Walker, Epic rule in the year 2014
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From the pages of In Business magazine.
It was touch and go, but the pallet of vacuum tubes arrived from North Korea (don’t ask) just in time to fire up Old Sparky, the venerable Sperry-Rand Univac computer. The white lab coats here at the Blaska Policy Research Werkes and Tanning Salon fed the balky mainframe a binful of punch cards encoded with the latest empirical data. Our mission: forecast the future so that you, the businessperson, can prosper in the new year come hell or global warming! After much whirring and clanking, the rusty wreck issued a puff of smoke and these startling 2014 predictions:
January: To stir up business, the president cuts an infomercial offering a free Susan B. Anthony coin to every 20-something who enrolls in Obamacare. Snowstorm is blamed on global warming/climate change. Epic Systems lands NHL franchise.
February: At the Sochi Winter Olympics, Vladimir Putin awards the Ukrainians Gold, Silver, Bronze, and a timeshare in Crimea. Michigan, preoccupied with trying to unload Detroit on eBay, fails to notice that Wisconsin has seized the Upper Peninsula, thanks to a daring midnight landing of the Washington Island ferry, blown off course at Escanaba.
March: Gravity is best picture at the Academy Awards. Steve McQueen wins best director for 12 Years a Slave as consolation for not winning for Bullitt. Israel brings Iran’s nuclear weapons development to a halt by implanting Obamacare website. Epic Systems annexes Verona.
April: Bo Ryan’s team makes the Final Four. Steve Stricker wins his first major, the Masters, after Tiger Woods is disqualified for accidentally kicking his ball out of a divot. Ann Walsh Bradley is defeated for re-election to the State Supreme Court after a Claymation video of her June 2011 smackdown with Justice Prosser, “Flying Fists of Justice,” goes viral. (Ooops! That's not until 2015!) Isolated tornado is blamed on global warming/climate change.
May: Drafting high, the Green Bay Packers take a quarterback in the first round and sign Bear retread Jay Quitler as a free agent. Cheap. Epic Systems purchases Detroit and turns it into a virtual B&B.
June: A South Beltline bypass connecting U.S. 151 at Verona with the interstate north of Stoughton is approved in concept. The Sierra Club files suit. Summer heat wave blamed on global warming/climate change.
July: The Wisconsin State Journal, repentant for pumping raw socialism into its subscribers’ homes every Wednesday, commissions a conservative/libertarian counterpoise to The Capital Times. Blaska named editor for life. Epic Systems issues first postage stamp, honoring Lou Reed.